


Food, Not So Glorious Food

by least_common_variant



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Dean and Cas do not actually appear in this fic except by reference), Fanwork of Fanwork, Gen, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Inspired by Down to Agincourt Series - seperis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/least_common_variant/pseuds/least_common_variant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even in the Apocalypse, there are some things you're better off not eating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Food, Not So Glorious Food

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It's the Stars That Lie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2033814) by [seperis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seperis/pseuds/seperis). 



> Also inspired by [a tweet](https://twitter.com/spearywrites/status/629315507296964609) from [Speary](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary), who also gave it a beta-read before it went up on my Tumblr. Reposting here where more people are likely to find it.

_Day 103_

The front Jeep made an unexpected turn into a strip mall parking lot, and cruised slowly down the asphalt for a moment, eventually coming to a halt outside “Five Star Internet Gaming Cafe”; the rear vehicle followed along, pulling up right behind it. James called his team together, looking over his clipboard (not that he needed to - he, and they, had all committed The List to memory by this point - but he found the double-check reassuring) before giving them their instructions. “Ethernet cables. Routers. Any networking equipment. Flash drives. Printer ink. Anything else small and portable. Don’t bother with the computers or monitors right now, someone’ll be back for them if we need ‘em. Ten minutes, I’ll stay with the Jeeps.”

In the past, the business had been “Wichita’s Top Internet Gaming Cafe,” or so the lettering on the door proclaimed. Now, it was just as abandoned as the rest of the city - or slightly less so, as Mira finessed the lock and she, Zack, and Nate slipped inside.

They busied themselves releasing cables from the backs of a bank of PCs, Nate trailing the cords to the far end to find the routers - or, actually, finding the conduit that carried them up into the ceiling. “Must be in the back room…” The two men clicked flashlights on and went to investigate, leaving Mira to check the counter near the register for useful items - but Nate’s exclamation of “Paydirt!” got her attention, and she started to join them. Zack’s enthusiastic addition of “And dude, snacks!” inspired her to pick up the pace - having eaten his cooking, that was either a very good sign, or a very bad one.

“Paydirt” was not just the servers that had kept the fun times rolling when the cafe was a going concern, but a small shelving unit with spare parts for the cafe’s network: two routers, still in boxes; three unopened rolls of ethernet cable, 200 feet apiece; plastic bits that seemed to be the necessary ends for plugging the cable into the computer; and a collection of tools, one of which seemed to be the right one for merging the cables with the connectors. Zack and Nate were ignoring them in favor of the room’s other prize.

“Cheetos. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a Cheeto?” Nate was rummaging through the box, apparently used to stock a vending machine in the front. “And M&Ms. Wasabi Soy Almonds. Pretzels. Fucking Twinkies. We gotta take this stuff. We’ll be heroes.”

Mira eyed the box skeptically. “Junk food isn’t on The List.”

“Food is always on the list,” Zack contributed. “What else is back here? Monster Energy Drinks! We need those.”

“Heroes.” Nate reiterated.

Mira eyed the boxes. “Does this stuff actually count as food? Cas–”

“Is a firm believer in better living through chemistry, and therefore will appreciate both the Monsters and the Twinkies. And we’ll be heroes.”

Zack, though, seemed deflated. “Except. Since Dean got sick Cas has been on a nutrition kick. Dean has very strict guidelines regarding both caloric and nutritional intake,” he intoned, in a not-terrible impression of the former angel’s speech pattern.

James, of course, came through the door at that exact moment. “Yeah, he does. And it’s been eleven and a half minutes… what’s going on?”

The other three wordlessly shone their flashlights on the potential haul. James made an executive decision. “Leave the chips and stuff. They’re bulky and there’s only enough there for about two for everybody. Take the Monster drinks… and, you know, the computer parts you were supposed to have in the Jeeps two minutes ago?”

Nate sighed. “We were gonna be heroes, James.”

James grinned. “I’ll remember where we left 'em. Save 'em for a special occasion… hey, what’s that?” he asked about the cardboard boxes revealed when Mira and Zack took away the energy drinks. “Full Nutrition Meal Replacement Powder Just Add Water?” He opened the top of one box, and found it full of metallic plastic packages. “Must’ve had some hard-core gamers here, if they had this stuff for sale. People who couldn’t stop playing Warcraft long enough for food. 'Each packet contains 500 calories and 25% of the recommended daily intake of…’ a list of things as long as my arm. Speaking of strict guidelines regarding caloric and nutritional intake…”

Mira, returning, grabbed one of the packets. “I’m not sure this actually counts as food either. Rice protein? Canola Oil Powder? Vitamin E Palmitate? Sucra-what? I can’t pronounce half this stuff.”

Zack took the packet from Mira, eyeing it cautiously. “The thing is… Cas would be all over this stuff. Perfect nutrition, without the bother of actually having to eat. He’d love it. He might love it even more than the Twinkies.” He paused. “But…”

“But?” Nate prodded Zack to continue.

“I dunno, man, but when Dean came back… you know how he’s… different?” The others nodded. “It’s like, whatever else happened, his taste buds grew back too. He expects his food to…” Zack winced as an unpleasant memory came to mind. “He expects food to taste like… before. Like food.” He sighed. “I worked with what I had, you know?”

Nate patted Zack’s shoulder sympathetically - but not too sympathetically; he’d eaten far too much of Zack’s cooking for that. “So what you’re saying is…”

“We’d better make sure it doesn’t taste like Full Nutrition Meal Replacement Powder sounds like it’s gonna,” James stated firmly. “Who’s got extra water?”

Mira volunteered her canteen and opened the packet. While the men loaded the computer parts from The List into the Jeeps, she Just Added Water, reclosed it, and shook vigorously for sixty seconds (as directed) to mix the contents. She brought the results out into the daylight, and passed the package around.

Lacking straws, they each took a mouthful from the edge of the packet, as though it were an extra-nutritious communion chalice. Zack, to no one’s surprise, found it unobjectionable, but the reactions of the other three ranged from Nate’s grimace to Mira’s gagging noise. The team looked at James for his verdict.

“If we take this home, Cas will try to feed it to Dean.” The others concurred. “If Cas tries to feed this to Dean, Dean will not simply dump Cas, Dean will try to murder him.” The others concurred. “I can’t have that on my conscience. My Grammy would come back to haunt me if I was responsible for the attempted murder of an Angel of the Lord, fallen or not.” He looked around his team. “Not only are we not taking this crap back to the camp… you can each grab a pack of the junk food of your choice if you swear to never breathe a word of its existence to anyone.”

No crossroads demon ever had a deal accepted faster.


End file.
